: MindlessNess :

什么都有其实什么都没有

2012-01-09T21:04:00.003+08:00

到味，到点

我跟随你的脚步走到今天
那静止之后爆发的瞬间
不被谁拥有
请把梦带走

Things will get better

2012-01-04T23:07:00.007+08:00

2011 ended with unfortunate accident while 2012 started with its consequence

What a tough one

I believe, things will get better

Life

That is what you have to face no matter what happens

只要你安好

2011-12-28T21:15:00.005+08:00

以前她很厉害、倔强，好歹也可是家里公认为ketua的嫲嫲

现在已经不能行动自如，手脚没有力气，失禁

看着她日渐衰弱，心里很痛很痛

那曾经在医院病床上哭喊，寻找着早已不在的母亲和其他亲人的画面，我是永远都无法忘记的

庆幸的是这几个月回到家，有爸妈和妹的照顾，已变得清醒许多

虽然有时候那粒脑袋会跳去以前不同的时代，爱把大家看成连我们都没见过面的亲人

爱耍小孩脾气，又变得挑食，有时候很无助，情绪不稳定时骂起人却又够毒

对她，真的好气又好笑

有时无意中会发现她会流露出很天真的眼神，很可爱

那天假期结束要回去kk，道别时，躺在床上的她问我 “新年会不会回家？”

我不小心哭了，也不懂为什么

嫲嫲，你要好好，只要你安好就好

Show off

2011-11-25T23:31:00.010+08:00

看到妹Livia Tee炫耀她休假时买到的东西

我都忘了要show off一下下自己之前买回来收集的专辑和书籍

YUI HCYL CD+DVD

第一次买酱贵

不管，因为这次的很有意义

Radiohead四张旧专辑总共RM98。

便宜又值得收集

要留给我未来的小孩听

Mitch Albom

都看过了

好书、特价

就收集吧

Decorate

2011-11-23T21:34:00.010+08:00

There is it, the album of a Malaysian singer-songwriter in which I almost love every single song in it.

The album compiles some new and old singles of hers.

Well, it isn't late to catch up with her music again after two years didn't quite listen to her works.

Yuna's music, such a piece of art.

Proud of her as a Malaysian.

Penakut, won the Best Song in AIM 2011.

However the trophy was taken back because of some vote miscounts and to be given to another song - Sedetik Lebih.

What the hell, what kind of weird rule was that.

Permission

Decorate

你好嘢

2011-11-09T18:58:00.005+08:00

身为一个笨蛋，那句不带半点认真的话，我一辈子都不会忘记

你果然…好…嘢…

谢谢

2011-11-08T21:16:00.017+08:00

当在想着值不值得，后不后悔的时候

心里其实都明白，自己一直最害怕面对的，总是在要再度说再见的时候

所以正如预料之中，那后果带给我无比的沮丧

原本平静的心情，又再度被思念掀起了不小的涟漪

可是我并不后悔，参加了黑客帮聚会1.0，是值得的

虽然到最后的过程是小苦的，但那依然是美丽的

有点讨厌这样，但谢谢你，如果还有机会的话，我还要2.0，我还想再见

Photo by Xiao Yu

Arrived

2011-11-01T01:00:00.000+08:00

Finally, it has arrived, an album of year 2009.

Hi MONO, who gave me this impact I've got.

说不出的感动

2011-10-21T22:07:00.006+08:00

看着她在香港的街头演唱宣传上一次的演唱会，粉丝们都跟着唱时…

虽然是很普通的事，但心暖暖的，鼻头酸酸的…

当在广场表演，大家一起为她哼副歌时，我哭出来了

从一出道，到已经得到了许多支持者爱戴的现在，她终于做到了

真的很感动…

How Crazy Your Love，我不管了，预购日版初回限量版！

里面的DVD收录了两个钟多的香港演唱会及幕后花絮

第一次买一百六十多块的唱片，够力，我大可以等下载

可是因为YL们都去了，这是很有意义的！如果我也有去该多好…

希望有天，有机会，能看她现场演唱！

2014年，如果有这么一天，我一定要去她的10周年纪念演唱会！

Sickos

2011-10-18T00:21:00.000+08:00

Human are just so sick! Sick!! SICK!!!
Animal abuse, abandoned babies..
Seeing a two years old girl being knocked down and doesn't give a single shit..
I have gone crazy by watching the recorded video..
What kind of world is this..
Sick people with no humanities..
Hopeless world
Totally hopeless

Killing me

2011-10-10T20:23:00.006+08:00

Growling stomach

Pinching gastric

Fever

Nausea

Just can't get enough..

You're killing me!

I wonder if there are worms inside me..

不管了

2011-10-06T21:46:00.007+08:00

内心世界…好像要爆炸了

对每个人都有不同的话想说

再压抑下出可能会疯掉

对你

不怎么认识，却很常会想到你！这到底是怎样！

你

够了！我实在不想再看到你们之间的暧昧，去你的！

你

管你是什么，没办法我就是不喜欢你

你

会不会有那么的一天，你会问我，“你其实，想要些什么？”，并给我自由

你

当我把你放进重要的朋友名单里，而你并没有做同样的事时。ok很好，我是心痛的…

你

其实那些都还好，自大不好

你

讲话请小心点，你情绪化关我屁事…

你

你，是他的女王不是我的

你

不要把我看得那么脆弱

你

求求你醒一醒，你不是你！

你们

管你是不是长辈，请做好子女的本分。

真希望你们能听到我的愤怒

我就是闷骚，没办法

按post也需要勇气的

静静的

2011-10-02T16:58:00.003+08:00

最喜欢的两个k-indie乐团，Monni和Dear Cloud，既然在三月时一起出新专辑了

我还真outdated…

趴在桌上，看着身边的鱼儿在鱼缸里生活着

播着这首歌，真是舒服极了

非常非常喜欢这样静静的…

其实正在在公司里，吃蛇…

工作又做不完

今晚，要开夜车了

恭喜你们

2011-09-26T23:14:00.002+08:00

一年前我的毕业是有你们在的

一年后你们也跟着毕业了

多么想亲身目睹这一切

我亲爱的学弟妹和同伴们，恭喜毕业

很爱你们，很想很想你们

给我力量

2011-09-13T19:30:00.002+08:00

种种的emotional attacks, 让我没有时间去透一口气

家里老狗的逝世，同事的离别，嫲嫲的病情，工作的忙碌，25岁生日，舅舅的结婚，其他零零碎碎的事情，让很多原本计划好的事情有可能会改变…

所有事情发生在同一时间，太复杂，觉得自己要分裂了

还好这一切更加肯定了回来的决定是真确的

只是，好想好想身边有个人，能给我力量…

请给我力量

忘了

2011-08-02T23:40:00.004+08:00

都已经忘了

以前是多么地喜欢你

回想起来

那时候的痛苦

还真美丽

Buddy

2011-08-01T17:56:00.004+08:00

Buddy had RIP and buried few hours ago...

A devastating text message

You're gone

I just saw you and touched you, talked to you last week at home

I waited and watched you finish your dinner, patted you, said goodbye to you

I looked at you from the window after finished my dinner, didn't know that was the last time

Rushing to the airport

I didn't go to the backyard to say goodbye to you, like I always did everytime

For the very 1st time I felt something strange to leave you.

I stood a little while at the side of the house, hoping that your head will show up at the end of the side way

But you didn't

Then I left home, I left you

I should have just go to the backyard, and see you, for the very last time

I should have..

And you're gone now

My heart pinched, tears falling again

I miss you, like I miss Frisky and Frisk

May you reunite with them

I love you Buddy

I love you

pity, strong

2011-07-30T23:39:00.001+08:00

To think how pity you are

Why not, to think how strong you're gonna be

无情的眼神

2011-07-30T22:58:00.003+08:00

那无情的眼神

心很痛

喉咙很紧

泪也流了

我不要这样的他

我也不要她成为我的亲人

告诉我要怎样接纳如此自私的人作为亲人

告诉我

永远，我永远都忘不了那一刻

歌迷上

2011-07-18T21:21:00.014+08:00

曾经何时，嗯中六吧，我是YUI的歌迷。

每天每天都会锁定在yui-lover forum, 虽然不会很active，可是也算是advanced member。

YL里的成员，都是来至世界各地的，全都死鬼疯狂，有时候很佩服他们，也羡慕他们。

YL，总会让我在那里觉得有一丝丝的归属感。

那里有着厉害的日文翻译者，每一次都准时翻译所有有关YUI的事物。

也有着热心的guitarists，总准时post上YUI最新单曲的guitar chords和tabs，连covers video都有。

真感谢YL。

我不疯狂。

Hardisk只有个大约10gb的文件夹累积着YUI所有的mp3，mv，yui locks，yui radio，电视节目录影，magazine scans，scores等等等。

至从上大学后，除了mp3，就不再去下载其他的了，jaringukm蜗牛般的慢。

可是如果有天这所有都不见了，我可能会哭死。

至于CD/DVD，我只有四张… 因为还没有经济能力，加上以前家乡都很难找（借口）。

可是现在都没有去买了，真是不够supportive，不够敬业的歌迷/消费者。有天，有天，我会再买的。

六月的时候，YUI第一次在日本以外的国家-香港，办演唱会，我差一点点就跟着YL一起去了，可是被理智拉回来。

现在看着大家的照片和影片，尤其是他们在偷听YUI彩排的时候，我都会跟着紧张和感动。

有点后悔不跟着去，如果有天她来Spore，我一定会去。

Dear YUI，

因为你，我开始抓吉他，每天每天都抱着吉他学你的歌，练到起水泡，等水泡一干又继续学。
也因为你，我开始尝试创作，有人会说我有你歌的影子，呵呵我并不介意，因为我所会的chords都是从你的歌学来的。

对不起YUI，接触了更多的音乐后，我已经有一阵子没听你的歌了，不再进去YL，手机也不再收着你的歌。
可是我没有忘记你。

看回一些以前我曾经喜欢的艺人，我会笑自己到底为什么当初会喜欢他们。
可是你，会是我老了后，还能让我保持着那份感动及感恩的心的一个偶像。
想说，谢谢你让我认识你。也谢谢爸爸按Astro让我不小心发现YUI的《Goodbye Days》。

谢谢YUI

歌迷上

随便来一首《feel my soul》，这个版本对我来说是珍藏版，因为非常难找。

今晚，我想听完YUI所有的歌才睡觉...

お休みなさい！

TYVM

2011-07-13T03:36:00.005+08:00

Life's such a crazy bitch. -Edmoon-

This is so true.

From home to career, from friends, even from a hobby.

It's everywhere from all sides that you can get so pissed off with them sometimes.

Yet I won't let those dumbass ruin my day. There's a life I need to deal with.

And with their repetitive fuck off actions, I had trained my EQ well.

I have to say this.

Thank you very much, you dumbass.

This is it

2011-07-05T14:30:00.004+08:00

This is the part when you're being attacked repetitively by the same person successfully.

This is the part when someone's words on something that you can't do much about had made you feel vulnerable.

This is the part when the person's conscious/half-conscious intentions had started becoming thorns on your dignity and reputation.

This is the part when you feel so alone that no one is there for you and no one understand you.

This is the part when your heart gone empty and tears are not even consoling.

After that, that is the part where you had your break down and build up the walls.

That is the part where you see no people who doesn't look at you differently.

That is the part, where you no longer feel home in the place you categorized it home before.

That is the part.

That is the part, that occurs in your life occasionally.

That is the part, where your decision is made.

To live with it, to live beside it, to live in it, or to live out of it.

Everyday

2011-06-27T20:44:00.004+08:00

I'm missing you.

Faker

2011-06-25T01:30:00.003+08:00

I always tend to pretend care less on people and things that I really care about.
I am a great faker.

赚钱

2011-06-06T00:34:00.002+08:00

我要努力赚钱

给自己买一个电吉他，会不会玩也管他

去Ladakh

去东京

去台湾

去Siem Reap

去Santorini

感受生命

2011-06-04T16:28:00.003+08:00

我喜欢跑步，带着耳机，听着Mono的曲，跑过湖边时看着夕阳，用自己的呼吸声，感受着生命。

MONO - Everlasting Light LIVE IN NYC from SeattleShowGal on Vimeo.

可怕的东西

2011-06-03T01:24:00.002+08:00

有时候，有些评语就是会杀死人
最重要的，是了解自己喜欢、自己要、自己属于哪一类行

“Each listener has one’s own imagination to enjoy the music differently from others.” Takaakira Goto

Fed Up

2011-05-14T00:46:00.005+08:00

空了

2011-04-22T12:40:00.009+08:00

终于我已完全地脱离了吧

没有人再发觉我在那里的存在

讽刺的是，这是我一开始就准备接受的事

是我该做的选择，也许也是我的无情

或者这是迟早的事

不过，那速度还真让我吓了一跳，真实地有点难以自信

有点可怕

我并没有不再爱

心痛了

也跟着被挖空了

感动

2011-04-06T20:43:00.004+08:00

又因为indievox的email subscribe，让我碰见了一个日本post-rock乐团 - MONO

花了一晚的时间下载了它每一张专辑，用了一天的时间偷偷在上班时候听。

完全不理会同事们在聊天的存在，MONO，从它第一张专辑到Hymn to The Immortal Wind，带我进入了另外一个空间里，很忘我地抛开了一切。

那吉它，悲伤且抱着希望的旋律，把感情和情绪从低潮带到高潮！

我真的无法去形容那一切了，我哑口无言，因为太震撼了！太汹涌得能让我想哭！

Ashes in the Snow，是indievox里MONO‘'s playlist里的第一首歌，也是我尝试听的第一首歌，也因为它，我想更了解mono。听完了全部专辑后，我觉得它是MONO经过了十年进化后的极品。Ashes in the Snow，还是我最爱的一首。

很遗憾我现在才认识MONO，不然去年它来KL的时候就可以去看他们的现场了。今年MONO Asia Tour，五月7日会在KL举行表演。很遗憾，难过死了 T_T

昏了头

2011-03-16T23:44:00.002+08:00

在你眼里我看不见自己的存在

看清一点其实

从以前到现在，这事实都没有变过

只是是我冲昏了头一味在寻找

而在每一个可贵又难得的时刻里

我既然忽略了自己最亲爱的学弟妹和伙伴们

放空

也把灵魂和心脏给弄丢去了

这动作，并不是一时冲动的愚蠢

是累积过来的愚蠢

我再一次地成为大笨蛋一个

死笨蛋一个

疯掉

2011-03-13T23:51:00.003+08:00

忘不掉！就是忘不掉那每个时刻！！

Happy February

2011-02-10T21:34:00.008+08:00

FB shut down.
Songs volume turned down.
Leisure mode off.
Relocated lappy to a good typing condition.
Sitting position adjusted.
Reference book opened ready.
Microsoft Word opened.
Report file opened.
Hands raised to the keyboard.
Mouse's cursor moved....

and the blog's "New Post" button is being clicked.

Apparently, after dinner, I was supposed to rush up my report, was having mind set up to turn on working mode. But then..but then.. out of the blue, I went to my blog instead, my own blog that I seldom visit myself =.= just because of this pity blog is being mentioned by my cousin today, reminds me of the existence of this being-abandoned-for-a-month-already blog. Sorrieee Mindlessness..

So this is my first (or maybe only) blogpost for February =)
February, finally went back to Sandakan, for a fruitful and tummyful CNY. The next will be Valentine's Day, too bad that it has nothing to do with me.. wuwu sedihnye... And the next will be the very bery busy days of rushing up my reports. After submitted my leave application for NTLP and Balik Kampung (again) in March yesterday, I was suddenly being bombed with the deadline to submit my work. So in order to have my happy gleefully March, I will burn my ass to finish my work within this month.

Happy working to those who are working.

Happy studying to those who are studying.
Happy CNY to those who'r still enjoying and celebrating.
Happy Valentine's Day lor, to the couples.
Happy hahahaha, to the singles.
Happy February.
And good day good night to everyone~

过境

2011-01-14T04:05:00.003+08:00

“熊宝贝”，如此装可爱的团名，我却爱上了它
爱上它所有的歌
爱上饼干
爱上这首《过境》

过境

词曲：饼干

有些音乐在我身体里摆荡
它们不往哪里去流浪我喜欢这样
有些人从我心里过境然後将我遗忘
或许还是会觉得感伤我喜欢这样

偶尔我也试着去想
偶尔我也试着去讲
去打从心里表达对你的想望

偶尔我也愿意疯狂
偶尔我也的确疯狂
想抛开所有的束缚对你渴望
但我通常只是一个人
面对自己的沮丧

有些音乐从我出发而後抵达远方
成就世界里微弱的亮光我喜欢这样
有些事情当下再明白也无能放下
经过了时间留下了挣扎我喜欢这样

偶尔我也试着去想
偶尔我也试着去讲
去打从心里表达对你的想望

偶尔我也愿意疯狂
偶尔我也的确疯狂
想抛开所有的束缚对你渴望
但我通常只是一个人
面对自己的沮丧

I loved you

2010-12-31T21:20:00.003+08:00

Turning to the calendar of 2011, there goes another year.

I've graduated from university.
I gave up on things that I thought I can let go.
I started working.
I seek and waited for new life.
I got into hardship with people I really care about.
I learn lesson about people.
I lived in the past.

Yet, I still love you 2010.
You gave me great times.

Bye 2010, I loved you.
2011, I will love you.

他叫大叔

2010-12-10T02:11:00.005+08:00

一开始因为内容不错，有帅哥，所以下载了这部电影，《大叔》。
用了两个小时来看这部戏，每次出现那又帅又有型的镜头的时候都让我每叹气一次，死鬼杀啊~ 当然，还有一些血腥画面也使我倒抽口气的…
元斌那家伙，那充满感情的演技实在是满感人的，电影的最后情节也足以让我包了一粒云吞。
很喜欢这部电影，过后google一下，才知道原来它是今年韩国电影大赏颁奖礼的大赢家，包括最佳男主角，一共拿了七个奖项。嗯，太棒了。

其实另一个重点是它的主题曲，用这首歌来结尾，实在实在是太完美了！虽然不明白她在唱什么，不过它那每一个无法形容的美丽的旋律，还有那破破像Cyndi Lauper/Bjork酱的嗓音，已经深深地印在我脑里了…… 很久没有那种被歌曲感动的激动了，爱爱爱！！Like！！

Mad Soul Child - 《Dear》

Can you see

2010-10-29T14:37:00.007+08:00

You're grieving not only for what you lost, but for the life you had envisioned. You're grieving the future; for all of the plans and dreams you had in your head. Now that's all gone. There is this wonderful saying, "You have to give up the life you've planned to find the life that's waiting for you." All our lives we grow by giving up things. By loss, by moving on. Big Things, little ones. How we handle those losses really defines who we are.

All you need is a place where you can talk out loud; where you can hear what you really think. What YOU think. What you want to do and what you don't want to do. And you'll know when it's time to move on.

If you don't acknowledge and feel it, it will never get out of your way. Unacknowledged feelings are like a drunken cousin at a family reunion; they never shut up so you can hear anyone else and you have to be able to hear what's next in your life, what path you might want to travel down. You have to be able to see what's there, what's right there, right in front of your eyes. -Nora Walter, Brothers and Sister-

In the morning, I was being tagged in this FB note, posted by Clara who quoted it from the TV series Brothers and Sisters. This TV quote, hits the spot hard, very.

想到死

2010-10-10T23:14:00.006+08:00

2010年10月10日，讨厌死今天了
早上，发了个公事上会发生的恶梦，超逼真，希望星期一开工时顺顺利利
下午，姐妹们的毕业礼，却下大雨，虽然有聚到，可是大家都被雨淋湿，十分狼狈
晚上，虽然是迟早会发生的事 - 今年新调子音乐营的FB照片
看到了每个画面，每个面孔，每个时刻，还真的促进泪腺分泌
我很想念，真的很想念，想到讨厌起命运和认识了你们的自己
真的想到死

笨蛋，是时候要潇洒地放开，只淡淡地想念了

危险死

2010-09-30T21:22:00.002+08:00

一个不小心，差点掉进去了
真的不可以又掉进那“没有可能会发生”的洞里
吓死… =.=

不稀罕

2010-09-25T17:56:00.000+08:00

我是成年人，照顾自己是自己的责任了
虽然说关心身边的人尤其是亲人，是人该做的基本事情
可是我不要了
所以我不会再期望你们的关心
免得自己又再觉得自己可怜

笨蛋都不如

2010-09-14T23:56:00.001+08:00

刚进入了另一个人生阶段，就经历了很多的无奈，悲愤和孤独。
那种精神上的疲惫，快让我喘不过气了，觉得我每天都在演戏般过时间，像死人般没有人看见。
连提起勇气开大音乐，大力唱大力弹都没有。
会说什么做个厉害的笨蛋，要爱自己，也是只说给别人听而已，自己却做不到。
一直都在骗别人骗自己的我，简直是笨蛋都不如。

Hotlink I think I love you

2010-09-06T23:54:00.004+08:00

24岁的生日，第一份受到的祝福，既然是来自Hotlink的简讯。
可是可能是习惯了，或者是我手脚实在太快了…
没有读完就把它删除了，不懂有没有错过什么优惠…
kns...

今年的生日，远离家人或朋友，会很无趣呢~

Happy Birthday哦自己 X)

一切从头开始

2010-09-05T13:13:00.002+08:00

新的环境、出于预料的情况、还有同样的寂寞
我能适应的，我能忍。

一切从头开始，我可以挺下去的。

Graduation: 谢谢你新调子

2010-08-13T10:36:00.007+08:00

无法形容回到家在听这个录音时的心情
那种感动和不舍，让我在电脑面前下大雨
那些附加的可爱歌词、音效和大家说的话，真让我破涕为笑，破笑为涕
听着每段歌曲，在我脑海里出现着不同的面孔，不同的画面和不同的思念

谢谢新调子，和里面对我而言很重要的那几个人…
你们给了我这大学三年里许多深刻的美好回忆、让我学习与成长、也经历了许多又爱又狠的过程~

有很多话，都说不出口，我只说… I love you 新调子, always do.

哭

2010-07-21T01:43:00.007+08:00

只想哭
发自内心地哭

只想哭
不是看电视被感动的哭

只想哭
眼泪流出来的哭

只想哭
只想哭
....
...
..
.

“哭”

原来
是两个“口”
再加上个“犬”在下面的

奇怪...

为什么...

是狗狗

I wanna

2010-06-15T23:11:00.002+08:00

This is serious.

I wanna suck myself out of my body and let it to be lonely.
I wanna scream out loud until I can't make any sound.
I wanna, I wanna hate music that it makes me feel so sick.
I wanna close my facebook, msn and never online again.
I wanna run to a sea cliff and jump, or just go being a nun.
I wanna take everyone of you out of my head and forget.
I wanna pull out my eyes, let them bleed, and die.

I wanna...

I wanna say...

I wanna say...

These are just stupid helpless jokes.

But I AM now feeling helpless, tired, frustrated and sad.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And I am kidding, anyway. I was, not now anymore, after writing such silly things.

Oh Come On

2010-05-28T00:32:00.006+08:00

Randomness:
I need an anti-lazeworm pesticide.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________

当你活了整半个世纪多，孩子大到也能结婚了，却说要离婚…
最不应该做的事，是叫已经七十几岁的老人家去维持大局！
成熟的你们可能以为，这是个尊敬父母的一个举动，
可是一个老人家最不期待的事，是还没喝孙儿的结婚茶，就得见到孩子要闹离婚了…
而且还要被拉去谈判…哎，这实在是心痛不已啊！
请使用你们的理性和判断力来决定自己的人生吧！
别再伤老人家脆弱的心了。

写这个post，是个人想法，是想发一发牢骚。
也是提醒一下自己，以后万一如果发生这样的事，不会有如此的做法…

Thank You & Goodbye

2010-04-07T21:47:00.004+08:00

Randomness:
打开衣柜，不是黑和白就是灰

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It's been over a year having it.
Glad that my happy and sad moments were all because of it.
But I think it's time, for me to get over it and let go.
Thanks for being with me.
This had been very precious to me.
I'm sure that we will gonna meet someday.
But I guess nothing will happen that time.
One thing I'm sure is that,

I will still smile at it.

Thank You, and Bye.

不然会…

2010-04-06T20:11:00.006+08:00

饿了

完了
来了
累了
痛了
没了
疯了
够了

太多的事情要去解决，要去做，要去想，要去看

你就绕了我吧！
不然会…

…了。

我只想要简简单单

可恶的东西

2010-03-28T00:34:00.003+08:00

无法想象，当连碰到面的机会都完全是没有时
日子会是怎样的？
我是不是会渐渐地忘掉那每一张亲爱的脸孔
想着一直被逃避着的未来，还真得能促进泪腺分泌
想念，你真是个可恶的东西
现实，你也是
长大，你也一样
时间，我拿你没办法，流吧

What To Do

2010-03-15T02:58:00.004+08:00

终于收到了NTLP的录音，之前学妹已经告诉我当晚录到很差，所以已有了心理准备。
可是，在听的时候我的头皮简直麻掉了！
天啊！为什么会这样子！！根本都不是line-in录啊！！
…… ……
已改变不了什么，只想把心脏给挖空，酱才不会感到失望和心痛。
拔头发也无用，哭天也无用，鬼叫也无用…

老女人

2010-03-08T03:07:00.002+08:00

“老女人”

一个@#$%#!学弟在晚上NTLP开会完过后丢过来的一句话。
我的妈呀！第一次听到叻！
虽然知道是开玩笑。可是，还会有打击一下下的。
他女友aka惠玲就说： “可是看不出啦！”
我…到底是不是该改变一下了，无论是心态或者是打扮什么的。

……
…………
呜呜……
要来的还是回来，始终逃不了岁月

臭学弟…！

T______T

That's all

2010-02-28T01:53:00.001+08:00

Tracie: As always, you just can't help it to repeat things which you would feel so regret after that. You just can't help it. Seriously, you don't know how to love yourself man. What the hell are you thinking!

Tracie: It's done. What can I do more with the guts I've got. That's all. That's all!

Tracie: You're hopeless.

Tracie: You're crazy. Cuz you're talking to yourself.

Imbalance

2010-02-26T01:54:00.007+08:00

Randomness:
I almost trip over and fell onto the floor hard just because of that 3 seconds of looking up the sky to look at the beautiful moon. What's wrong to stare at breathtaking things huh.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Okay, WARNING!! I guess this will be a post of complains again. You don't have to read them if you don't want to. I just wanna release some stress.

It's a critical moment for me right now, academically and leisurely.

Academically
1. I need to complete my thesis on time. However, I'm still way far behind. I've been blank by looking at the blank page of the chapters I need to finish even though I've read many journals for that. I have to start typing!

2. Having 4 midsem papers however, I don't have sufficient time to study and I found out it's hard to concentrate recently as there are so many things to think of. Just done one paper tonight, which I think I screwed it up. There are other 3 more papers on next week and I haven't touch them at all.

3. I need to think wisely of what to take and where to take for master degree yet I'm still procrastinating on the applications, only sent one application to UM today.

Leisurely
1. I'm having Choir Concert in next Wednesday. Although it's just very simple that you just have to open your month sing the correct notes with the correct volume at the correct tempo. However, I'm still haven't memorize the lyrics for 2 songs and there is an exam for this on this coming Sunday.

2. The 13th NTLP will be in the following Wednesday after the concert. This is the most precious one and is such a damn tension event that I have to get on some nerves for it. I'm trying not to worry much about it but I just can't help it. The committees are still way far behind and still haven't do correctly what they've been told. But I have to trust them and keep myself away from talking too much. For my part, I need do it without mistakes. Although it's just one song and hell simple, I hope my nerves won't break me and the whole song down. Crossing fingers for the coming whole event.

3. I had not been productive in writing songs lately that I really have no time for that. I'm having my 1st failure on myself for not able to submit the given task on time.

There are no exceptions for all the events and tasks above. I have to finish what I've started and complete what I haven't done. All of them are parts of me, and I'm not able to choose between them. It's even harder to make the priority. I really need to stay focus and do well in every each of them.

This is my final semester of undergraduate in university now, the most important and precious one. If I am going for master, this would not be my last. If I'm not going for Master, I will be stepping into working life soon, and that will be my last. Working seems kinda horrible to me based on the experiences from seniors and bro. It's not that I'm a coward or I'm being irresponsible for my life or what, I know that's what I need to face soon and it's another challenge for me. Just that I'm still not willing to make my life miserable yet. IF it really IS as miserable as described. So before ending my maybe last semester and step into whatever it is, I want it to shine and being spent carefully and wisely.

Done complaining. Now get back to work.

挨啊

2010-01-19T15:02:00.006+08:00

Randomness:
Just realize 2010 is Tiger Year, it's my 2nd cycle of another 12 years. Any roaring luck this time? X)
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错就错在没有好好地照顾自己

经过一番的熬夜和水分不足，不小心就生病了
生病的时候，做什么事都有心无力
手头上有很多任务要完成，却一样都没有真实开始过
因为吃了药，整天都昏昏欲睡的
下了课后，时间就在床上昏睡中溜走了
这样子，真的很不行
不可以在最后的日子里错过任何的时刻了
不可以是因为生病！
呼… 一定要挨过！

Wrongest Thing

2010-01-09T02:14:00.008+08:00

Randomness:
Never wear specs when you need to wear 3D specs. Go wear contacts!
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

That is the place where I had learn and grew
I care about it more than anything I can imagine
But the thing that I'm fighting for is no longer mine anymore
and the person who I'm fighting for is gone all long
Why the hell am I doing this? Letting myself hurt so much
But just one appearance, again I'm still falling so easily
And that's the stupidest wrongest thing ever I shouldn't have repeated most of all
There is no one I can stand and fight together for this place
God, where has the strength I had all gone to?

Kicking

2010-01-01T01:07:00.004+08:00

Randomness:
My room was totally upside down today. Cuz I was on a mission to kill a spider.
Whooooo that spider was just terribly scary. I think I will have nightmare of it crawling over my bed tonight. Shit.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Now there goes 2009, and welcome 2010.
There still things that I can't undo.
Let them be. I want them to be there.
Let's kick ass.
Or... butt.
>)

with Empty Bottles and Suitcases to be filled

2009-12-29T00:56:00.005+08:00

Randomness:
Two more days left before entering 2010, many things are undone yet, uh ohh..
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I live my life with many little secrets.
I live my life with on coming limitations.
I live my life with unforgettable memories.
I live my life with uncountable complications.

Oh, give me a break will ya?
Just two days, I'll come back to you in 2010.

圣诞节

2009-12-12T02:27:00.006+08:00

Randomness:
Instant noodles are my best friends and enemies.
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大学放假，在家里虽然比较忙碌，却很充实。
提早回大学准备论文取样，可是又被senior放鸽子。
得等到开学前的一个礼拜才去，真是的，和其他活动与节目撞到正。 *无奈*
这段日子，心情还蛮平静的，什么事情都以平常心去看去做，轻松自在地很~~
这会不会叫做，暴风雨前的宁静啊。

圣诞节，要到了。可是…

才不期待！
今年的圣诞节，有点过于梦幻了。
难道，是我老了？（￣、￣＠）

香蕉与青苹果

2009-11-21T03:01:00.010+08:00

Randomness:
I enjoy driving very much. But don't drive me crazy.
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晚上和老妹聊天时，突然爆出了一个冷笑话。

香蕉人的来源自于不懂得中文的华人。
因为外黄内白。虽然是黄皮肤，可是就像洋人一样不懂中文。

那，青苹果……是什么人啊？
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The Incredible Hulk 绿巨人
( ￣ ▽￣)ﾉ tiga lapan betul~~~

Sayonara

2009-11-17T22:07:00.014+08:00

Randomness:
Departures, another life and death movie which highly recommended to watch.
And I love drinking hot milk with honey at night. =)
_________________________________________________________________________________

Had an all day out and watched 2012 the movie with my sis today. I had prepared tissue papers for me to weep during the movie as it is a life and death movie that must be fulled with "I'm going to die, goodbye, and I love you" scenes.

It was satisfactory movie for me though. This disaster movie, with the epic scenes like massive destruction, earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis and narrow escapes could make me grabbed my head and pulled my hair, but watching those people died in one sweep did made me felt emotional, those people could be me someday, if something like this could happened in the future.

There's a scene, where the meteorology monitor showed the tsunamis attack throughout the earth continents. When the tsunami covered up Malaysia, my sis and I even joked on it:

"Hey look! There goes Malaysia! We're dead already!"

Yeah, we're dead. I'm wondering if that time really happens two years ahead, where will I be that time?

Some will call their loved ones, say goodbyes and wait for sayonara;
Some that are lucky will be with their loved ones and wait for sayonara together;
Some will sayonara together with a bunch of strangers;
Some might have no time to wait and just sayonara instantly without realizing what's happening.

When I die, who will be the one I'll think of besides my family and close friends? Two days ago in the internet, I bumped into an old primary school classmate who asked me "Have you found someone that you will share your life with in the future?" This question cracked my heart, cause I haven't, and I didn't manage to. I'm not afraid of death, however at one point, I don't want to die alone, or die without having someone that I can think of. Thinking about this made me totally went silent all the way home after the movie.

But I guess I'll just let it be. When the time comes, we just have to go sayonara. There are a lot more 2012 fictions and apocalypse fiction coming up in the following years, I'll have to be prepare to be emotional again.

Outstation

2009-11-11T20:02:00.010+08:00

随意的：
经常无视于别人对我的误会，因为心很累，也懒得去理会。
________________________________________

I had a confession to make, that is..I lied.

"I went to outstation for 2 weeks, just came back today." -> This is the lie I made up for 3 times within these 2 months in UKM. Hoho~

1st Lie: Application for Tukar Taraf - Credit (Pilihan Bebas) to Audit

I actually had cleared all my PB since last semester, but this semester I took another extra PB again in Japanese Level 3. I've planned to change my PB status from Kredit to Audit since the beginning as I knew I wouldn't score this time, especially in this hell busy semester. But because of my "business" and procrastination, I missed out the time for the pertukaran taraf application. Until after I sit for its mid-sem exam, which totally screwed up, I only hurried to PSSSA to take the application form to hand it out at Pusat Akademik. Through the whole process (I'll skipped the up's and down's and the conversations), I used the lie to 5 persons. Sorry to the Kak Salmi at PSSSA office, Setiausaha Kak Azizah, Pengerusi Pusat Prof Mazlan, Ketua Program Dr Sahibin and the angry dude at Pusat Akademik. X( Luckily the application was success.

2nd Lie: Application for Penginapan Kolej for Luar Semester

I need to apply for staying at UO during sem break for myself, and 2 coursemates (who will gonna stay in illegally). Because of my "business" and procrastination, again, I was passed the due-date for the application. So the story went just like the process from the above. Just this time, I only went through and lied to one person, Encik Yusoff, the office staff who usually in-charged of the kolej properties, and he is a gentle and friendly person. So it went smoothly and the lie worked. But I felt guilty.

3rd Lie: Late Return of Thesis at Pusat Sumber Bangunan Biologi FST

This happened in this afternoon actually. I was supposedly have to return the thesis I borrowed from Pusat Sumber BB, FST, on 14th of OCTOBER. Because of my "business" and procrastination again, I was almost a month late. So today, I only willingly to rush to the center to return the book. I needed to pay fine for RM13.50, 50 cents per day late. By using the same old lie, and not forgetting a pair of beggy eyes, the kakak at the center charged me for RM3 fine in the end. Phew~

And there goes my "Outsation" lies, which I actually only went outstation at Pahang for 5 days during October. Terrible me.

Lesson of the Day: Don't be late and do not procratinate, or your life is gonna suck.

PS: I don't lie, oftenly.

Peace of Mind

2009-10-31T12:15:00.005+08:00

Somehow, a calm sea of mind suits me better.
If tsunami comes, I'm sure be dead as I don't know how to swim after all.
Say no to tsunami of mind.
I don't have a strong heart to take it.
Steady with the waves, and I will be fine.

How I Met You, Music

2009-10-29T18:07:00.011+08:00

Randomness:
There are not many exam papers left in my university life. I'm wondering..in order to record down one of the memories in uni life, how can I manage to snap the scenes in the examination hall? Somebody teach me if you know how.. XD
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因为黑客帮的关系，我决定………
在部落里写下自己如何与音乐&创作相遇。
虽然之前的post里还像有题过，但这次来个长气的。

*Ahem*
因为老爸是个音响发烧友。我从小就听着音乐长大，从交响到摇滚，中文西洋到不懂什么鬼外语，京剧到电影原声带，（我实在不懂要如何分类，太杂了）反正顺他耳的，他都会买回来，坐在沙发上听，一听可以听几粒钟，够力。有时候我觉得很烦，因为没得开电视，晚上还吵着我睡觉，礼拜天早上还会被吵醒。直到对这一切immuned掉后，渐渐习惯了，每晚老爸开音响时，不懂几时开始，我会躺在床上，想象着音乐或歌曲里的画面，想象着里面的故事，直到睡着为止（我想我发白日梦的功力是酱来的）。

第一个念头想要创作，是在中学的时候，发生在有一次冲凉的时候哼起歌儿来，突然很想作那种充满故事的曲子，就像老爸放的那些一样。所以每次冲凉时，我都会自爽哼些不一样的曲子出来。不过，这只有在冲凉时偶然会做得事情，不懂到了几时，就没再这样做了，也不懂几时，创作的念头没再出现过。

Form6时候，因为认识了日本女创作歌手YUI而爱上了吉他。开始拿被哥哥抛弃的classical来玩，上网找YUI的歌来学。那个时候是我玩吉他玩最凶的时候，每天都抱着吉他不放手，还因为手指起水泡玩不到而显掉。虽说玩得凶，可是，也好不到哪里去。

到上了大学，从cari里得知UKM里有音乐团体，呵不错，一定有的学吉他的，跑去KL买了一把百多块的吉他（现在的Bucky），决定要去发奋地学好！过后从纬冰口中知道了新调子这个所谓的“地下室音乐团体”，跑去看了推介礼。那时也不是很会欣赏他们的创作，只是被那band队吸引到罢了，是个可以学吉他的地方，所以就跑去参加了。

不过却莫名其妙地进了制作组，莫名其妙地埃过了NTLP11里的岁月，莫名其妙被选做了下一届的秘书，吓个半死，还在AGM时说错了话，早知道不要去好了。推掉了秘书的职位做理事后，莫名其妙地回去帮忙监督制作组，也因为收歌启事，想要创作的念头回来了。

感谢学长国豪的带动与参考资料，室友Jacinta，UO友Clara和新调子友兼系友俊辉的鼓励，也因为自己肯去尝试，在听收到的歌的当天交了唯一的三首歌。第一首《你说过》是因为看了一部日本电影《恋空》而生出来的，第二首就是Clara帮我唱，莫名其妙而生出来的《青草与肥皂》，第三个孩子…还是不要讲较好，因为自己的无能，被取笑，想起都内疚死了。

也就这样，在NTLP12的期间与过后都尝试着写，直到现在。这就是我如何与创作音乐相遇的故事。创作歌曲，对我来说是个很新，很奇妙的东西。可能是因为创作，有时候能够找到自己。但也时常在创作的时候迷失了自己，实在是矛盾。所以我现在还在寻找着另一个相遇，就是自己的定位。

虽然现在讲到满有创作精神酱，可是不懂以后会不会有那个能耐与努力地去创作。希望进了黑客帮后，能够带给我推动力吧，不过这也要看自己。哈哈，看自己咯，懒人一个。

有件事，让我遗憾到爆的事。就是虽说最初的原因进新调子是为了学吉他，可是！可是！！三年！三年了！！我到现在连一次都没去过吉他班，看都没看过！WTH！可以去撞墙了！！T_T

教训：要珍惜时间。

Fell Into The Spell

2009-10-21T03:39:00.009+08:00

Randomness:
Friends around me have already stepped into the next levels of life. I'm so left behind. Pull me! Cowardice kills!
_______________________________________________________________________

I'm have to fall for these kind of little creature -----> Amphibian
Never thought that I will dare to grab hold of these slimy sticky cold blood animals. But it was not as bad as I thought. They are funny little creatures who made me laughed when they were jumping around with their plastic bags. Funny and stupid. XD
And I dare to catch them with my bare hands! *self-admiring*

Awww.. look at him, it's actually very cute!! heh.. >D

Cast me a spell or a love portion on him so that I can concentrate more on my thesis study very well.

一口气

2009-10-09T16:14:00.002+08:00

功课, 论文fieldworks, 考试, 功课, 论文fieldworks, 考试…终于，停了下来，不然我会死得早。 XD

感谢New Tune收歌启示，感谢Music Camp，感谢越来越靠近的截止日期，感谢身边朋友们马不停蹄得在赶歌，感谢senior们，也感谢自己，我终于肯在这几天忙碌的空隙中把电脑里，新的旧的，好的烂的，断手断脚的，无聊又可笑的，能起鸡皮疙瘩的，非常自恋地喜欢的歌通通挖完出来重听。

经过一段时间的整理，过滤，删除，再三度过滤删除，剩下的有四十多个（不能用“首”，不算是完整的歌），虽然应该好听的并没几个，剩下的却又不舍得删除掉。从中挑了一些来重写，找词，重录。也在同一时间里尝试写新的，最后总共在1st term截止日期交了五首歌（当中两首既然没有配乐器 *叹气* 太难抓chord，放弃）。

虽然才五首，但对我来说，有种一口气的放松了一下，终算对自己做了个交代。总觉得很对不起电脑里的歌们，因为我的无能，没有一个是完整的，但从来都没有要放弃他们，不然早就在recycle bin里人间毁灭lu…

离2nd term截止日期还有一个礼拜，还有一堆功课没做，可以再来几首，要看够不够能了… XP

New Tune Music Composing Camp

2009-09-24T01:54:00.006+08:00

On 19-20th, I went to Bukit Tinggi (Pahang) for New Tune Music Composing Camp with the theme 音乐方程式. The main purpose of the camp is to encourage song writing among newtuners, while the rest purposes are to strengthen relationship between newtuners, to scout talented people in music and to encourage members to perform.

This camp, for me is a success, as I gained something from it. Well. Coincidentally, I was in the process of song-writing. Coincidentally, I met my obstacles and was damn going to give up. Coincidentally, the theme for this camp is about song-writing as well. So coincidentally, due to the camp, it pushed me to face my obstacles and BOOM! There goes again, I'm on my trail once more! ^^ *feeling damn high as I manage to born a full song tonight!*

Back to the topic. I was one of the committees last year, but this year as a senior, I went as a camper. This is my final year, so I really tried to enjoyed the camp very much, and I did, happily. I got the chance to play the games, which I didn't last year. The juniors successfully organized the programme flow well, and I successfully played the games with my full concentration and commitment, that in the end, my group won! Yay! Had so much fun while playing the games with my dear group mates.

My group mates

I got the chance to perform too, unfortunately. Because that was scary! There were to parts of the performance, one is song-writing in which I concentrated more, another is group performance, in which I screwed. I didn't perform well in my part, as I was in super blur condition at that time, sorry dear group mates!!

In the song-writing section, I spent about 4 hours (from 12am to 4am) to produce a simple English song with 2 version of melodies but same lyrics, which written by Sze Pei, my group mate who writes poem. This is my first time to fill in melody based on lyrics. But I finally got the chance to experience the easiness to have a partner to write songs, phew~ How good to have a partner like Sze Pei, too bad she doesn't write Chinese, too bad NT songs are in Chinese mostly.

Thanks to junior Edmund, I managed to get things right with the chords, which killed me hard X( And big thanks to senior Guo Hao for the guitar lesson on how to find chords, which kills me hard too X[ , I seriously need to improve this for my own sake! For about 4.30 in the morning, Sze Pei and I finally done the song. After like 2 hours sleep, we managed to spend a little time to finalize and practice the song with the rest group members. I unfortunately had to show off my lousy guitaring in front of seniors and juniors, Oh My God! Really paiseh for the mistakes!! So in the end, we performed it, and from the review of senior Jian Lee, the song was like a straight line, in short, boring. XD really paiseh, I felt sorry for the lyricist.

One of the most special event of the camp was the talk and performances given by seniors Jian Lee and Guo Hao. I've learn more about writing lyrics, maybe I should just write my own lyrics instead of waiting for the no-response friends, who help me to fill lyrics. I wonder why, perhaps my songs aren't too good for them anyway *sighs* I seriously need to improve more and more.

There is a part from the talk that wet my eyes, that Jian Lee said that we really need to feel appreciate to NT for giving us the chance in song-writing, in performing on stage, to play music, to dance, for the friends, for the moments in uni, for everything. This made me thought of the moments I spent with NT, the moments I left spending with NT, my tear glands just couldn't help it. This is saddening. Maybe it's time for me write a letter to NT, like the one I did to SS, before I forget about it again.

I'm going to write another post on our trip to Colmar Tropicale, French village at Bukit Tinggi. There are 4 days of Raya break I left, OMG!! I still left many things to do, 6 assignments, 3 midsem exams, and songs for NTLP!! Bless me. ^^"

UKM Pesta Tanglung Carnival 2009

2009-09-13T18:42:00.012+08:00

Traditionally, UKM Pesta Tanglung will held a carnival outside UKM every year in September.

This year, they held this event at Dewan Persatuan Hokkien at Kajang.

Being UKM student for 2 years already, I went to this carnival for the very 1st time, and the last time too, as this is my final year. I went there two days, first day went with coursemates Woon Mei, Mei Yong and Ah Tung, and the second day went with New Tuners, who performed in the event.

To attract people, the usual and popular food stalls from Pasar Malam will be seen during such carnivals.

Meat balls that bomb in your mouth~

Lok Lok.

Mei Yong with her food, forgot what's it call..

Fried Chicken, my favourite.

Desserts. And many more..

Besides food, there were others attractions towards kids and adults.

Clown, who said "Yoorrr.. Why take my photooo? Sorry Mr. Clown XD

Who gave out cute balloons to kids only.

捞金鱼.

Beautiful latterns decorations.

Cute stuffs, which sold by my coursemate June's sister.

And I couldn't resist, so I bought these two.

And special for coursemates, June's sister gave me one extra free! Yay! Thanks!! XD

Balloons. And many more..

There are stage performances as well.

For example lion dance, which attracted alot of kids! ^^ but not to me, it was noisy!!

Drums performance from Yu Hua kids, they were so cool!!

In the exhibition section, lattens, traditional chinese cultures can be seen, and I took some photos of them.

Antique camera, I think my dad still got one at home.

Antique clock.

Antique iron.

Antique gramaphone. And, many more...

They have chinese traditional calligraphy show.

Their tools. And again, many more.

The end. I spent these two night happily. Met a lot of friends, who haven't seen for some time. And New Tune performances were a success, the junior singers were good, Siew Suan and Chee Huan, and also the interesting keyboardist Wu Jing. Dance was always good as well! We also had a little so-called farewell dinner with Allan Hoo, a New Tune member who's going to take his degree in German, walao~ German!! Gonna miss this nice guy too.

A letter to coursemates - "When The Day Comes"

2009-09-13T01:56:00.006+08:00

Dear coursemates,

When the day comes, what will happen to us?

Some may continue taking master in university, some may get the chance to work in the same field which we studied, some may work in grape yard(menganggur), some may work in an environment which totally unrelated to what we have studied (this may occured to everyone most probably), some may get married and have kids, some may further studies in overseas, some may continue their family business, some may just goyang kaki at their house, some may just disappear..

No matter what will happen in the future, I will miss everyone a lot! This is one of the level in life, moving ahead and never look back. But when you turn your head over your shoulder, you look at the past, and smile.

However, I wish the day never comes.

Regards,
Tracie

Greed

2009-09-11T06:09:00.002+08:00

Greed, one of the Seven Deadly Sins. Whoa! Well, the greed of mine, isn't that serious as you thought kay? =) The reason I think that I'm greedy, is that I always wanted more. I always have the strong desire of possessing many things or doing different things in one time. Does that sound greedy to you? Or maybe I should say that I have too many wishes! >.<

Here it goes.

I have a desire to get a DSLR. That's because I want to capture all the memories I have. Cehh, lame! Well, it's because I like art so much! I like beautiful things. I want every photos that I took are in best quality, that you can tell the stories behinds those photos, that you can feel the air in the photos.

I have a desire to write great songs. That's because I want my songs to be sung in the next NTLP. Hell no!! I just hope that one day, people will remember me by listening to my songs. I want to be responsible to want I have started! I want to continue the dream that I have since years ago, the day when I was bathing in the shower, humming the melody out of nowhere, and realized that I wanted to make songs like those songs Dad played in the player.

Finally I started this song-writing thingy after being inspired by one of an idol of mine YUI, after meeting New Tune in UKM, after being encouraged by friends and seniors. I made out many melodies. However, I have been given up so many times, that I always walk into the blocks ahead like lame vocal of mine, no lyrics, no chords, roommates are around, melody not nice, not confident.. these blocks are all shit! I'm not talented to do such things, I don't know how to play music instruments good. I'm lack of everything. It's sad when you have to stop in the middle of the way of something, it just couldn't move forward! Maybe I'm not meant to do such thing after all. But yet, I still wanna finish this. Because I have greed.

I have a desire to play guitar well in front of people. It's kinda heart-breaking when I realized that I don't have enough time to learn my guitar already. I have left less than a year of university life now. I feel like wanna cry that I realized that I have wasted two years to learn guitar. Excuses are many, and I'm sick of them. How can I improve my knowledge and skill in such a short period of time, I just can't! Can I turn back time?

So far these are some of the greed I'm having. Some I would like to make them as secret. A friend of mine said that the posts in my blog are fulled of complaints. I think they are. I used the posts to tell people about my unsatisfactory towards the things happening to me. Maybe I should change my way of blogging into a happy and funny blog someday. I want to make my blog interesting. See, am I greedy again?

I'm officially 23

2009-09-08T03:16:00.007+08:00

On 7th September 2009, Monday, I'm officially 23 years old. I don't have much feelings on this. I have received many wishes and greetings from friends and family. Some wishes were quite unique to me, I'm not saying that the wishes others friends gave were not special, they are all meaningful to me.

So, one of my friend said: "大個女啦, can marry already."
Respond: Still young lar, and still single how to marry so fast leh..

One said: "Wish you can write your songs smoothly."
Respond: I really love this wish, thanks Louise.

Another said: "Make your wishes sincerely and they will become true for sure."
Respond: Frankly, I didn't make my wishes really really sincerely and with full concentration in the previous years, no wonder some of my wishes still not yet come true. This time, I made the wishes in full concentration nyahaha.. What wishes? Secret.

Mum said: "Wish my girl have a nice birthday."
Respond: Thanks for giving birth to me Mommy!

and Selangor said: "Today is public holiday."
Respond: It was Nuzul Quran. I have no idea what's it all about.

Thanks for them who had wished and greeted me, and also those who celebrated with me, they are:

Dear coursemate sisters: Woon Mei, Xiao Yi, Wai Bing, Mei Rong and Sheh Na.

Had a wonderful and funny dinner and movie together.

Ex BSMM comrades and dear new roommate: Yan Shiang, Siew Ling, Yong Fen, Pui Yee, Hui Xin, Jimmy, Zhi Xiong and Jia Wen.

Thanks everyone for the cake and the bunny, Hui Xin.

New Tuners: Jie Ru, Zhi Tatt, Fai, Xiao Yi, Ali, Yi Xin, Edmoon, Siao Zhen, Yee Kuan, and Balia.

Had a wonderful birthday combo celebration with Yi Xin and Yee Kuan. Thanks for the Japanese doll, it was spooky to me, but I do like it!

迷失

2009-08-28T15:35:00.002+08:00

又下雨，变冷的天气总会让人觉得悲伤，无助。
虽然有温暖的床，躲在被窝了，还是难免感到孤独。
最近好像迷路了，不知道自己在做什么，做了什么。
所做的一切，不懂是为了自己，还是为了别人。
有时很容易迷失了自己，却也很快地再遇见它，然后又再迷失，再遇见。
一切都在重复着，真的有点不行了。
我到底是在做什么……

Eventssssa!

2009-08-17T19:00:00.019+08:00

There are too many to update. I guess I have to skip all the events I've been to in the past few weeks.

28th of July
Jaw-opened at New Tune Intro Night

31st of July-1st of August
Sardine-ed at PIKOM PC Fair

2nd of August
Hot Air Balloon Ride & Flower-viewing at Putrajaya Floria Festival

5-6th of August
Fruit Fest at Lata Jarum Fieldwork

7-9th of August
Part-timing at IMPEX Printing Fair

14th of August
Saliva-drooling at KL Photography Festival

16th of August
Fell in Love with Eason at Eason's Moving on Stage 26

15-19th of August
Emotions at UKM 37th Convocation

These are the best descriptions of the events.

I am Happy

2009-07-24T09:49:00.004+08:00

One sentence can make me smile broadly and jump!!
I'm as light as a helium ballon.
How easily I am to be happy..

病

2009-07-21T22:54:00.002+08:00

从来没试过发烧发到那么严重，连续两天的极端冷热真的要了我的命。

在那一瞬间里，我还真的以为自己快要死去了。
还想着是不是该写下最后的遗言，
打给爸妈的最后一通电话，
抱着吉他弹下最后的一首歌，
真是白痴…

就因为这么一个以为，
这么一个一瞬间的小题大作，
我既然还惊动了凌晨四点在睡觉的朋友晓仪和coursemate意豪，
实在是万分地过意不去。

发烧的第三天，看来渐渐好转了，Thank God!!
只剩咳嗽这死人头，害得我没什么食欲的，难道它不懂吃可是我最爱之一！

接下来的日子，我不要生病了，小病就没什么，已习惯；大病就免了，我还要走更远的路。

病
你走开！！
别靠近我！！
我讨厌你！！

The 2nd but last Bon Odori 2009?

2009-07-19T10:13:00.002+08:00

Last night went to the 33rd Bon Odori 2009 in Shah Alam, organized by the Japan Club of KL, Japanese School of KL and the Embassy of Japan. This is my second time going to the festival, same place, same dance, same food. Just different people, different weather, different situation. The haze there irritated people, so didn't really enjoyed the festival, kept coughing during the festival and now I am sick because of the haze..

I missed out quite many things in this festival, forgot to bring my camera because of rushing, didn't get the chance to capture down the memories there. Forgot to take more fans. Forgot to take pictures with some forum friends. Forgot to dance all the cultural dance.

But it was fun though, with New Tune friends, Weijie, Jieru, Balia, Ali, Fai, and some others friends. And I bumped into Ku and some ex-schoolmates, surprisingly.

This may be the last Bon Odori of mine, which ended up falling sick. Quite disappointing. I shouldn't have expect alot. Happiness always comes when the expectations are not over the reality.

The only picture I took with my handphone, the rest are with friends' camera and handphones.

I Promise

2009-07-16T00:04:00.003+08:00

New strings for my Bucky have been changed after a year.
I will come back for you.
I promise.

Frozen

2009-07-13T18:11:00.004+08:00

Recently, the probability of getting a frozen heart is higher. With a single action or even a single small matter of a person can freeze my heart in a second. Since when my heart is so vulnerable.

Went to Tasik Kejut of UKM for jogging, when is the last time I exercised (besides that one time swimming during 2nd year) in UKM? Oh ya, that was during orientation, that we were forced to do so.

忘了

2009-07-11T19:57:00.002+08:00

忘了如何继续下去

忘了如何去追逐他
忘了如何变得积极
忘了如何抓紧吉他
忘了如何停止拖延
忘了自己现在在哪

忘了

我不要

It just past again

2009-07-08T18:07:00.004+08:00

Half May, June, half July.

There were 2 months gone, together with my time and experience. In this period of internship, I've learn about life in working, life with not much activities, life without not much friends around, life with the elder family, life with low productivity of music, life with the time just past in a blink of an eye.

Again, I'm getting more and more lonely. Doing things alone, was a shit! Life was a routine during internship, and it was damn boring especially during weekends. Once, I went to a jazz festival all by myself, just to eat time and also wanted to charge my batteries of music. It was great! I mean the festival, the music. Though I did made 2 new friends, but that was like nothing, but I appreciated that. Stupidly I think I skipped a chance to know a new guy there too, yea I'm desperate.

Working was as boring as I thought but was enjoyable enough, maybe there was no tension. I spent my internship like breathing, it just past. I didn't put a lot of feelings and emotions toward the people there, but yet I'm gonna miss the moment I had there once I step on the real working life in the future.

I missed my friends, I missed those persons I cherish, really really did. I can't bare the feelings, but I just have to shallow the feelings. Because I couldn't split it out.

I learn to love my families more, day by day they are getting old. I cared about them more. When people get old, they felt more lonely. And I missed my dogs more. One day, I talked about our late dog, Frisk with my brother. Only that time I learn the date he passed away, or being put to sleep. And my sorry and guilty toward him awoke again after since he died 2 years ago. We cried when talking about him. And my bond with brother reattached because of this.

Low productivity of music babies. I lost and regain, lost and regain the rhythms again and again. Starting to lost hope and faith on this because of some reason. Please don't make it stop, it's all depends on me. I have to be strong on this.

My 3rd and final year in UKM started. With a total new environment, new room, new house and roommates. Will my productivity of music getting even lower? I'm not sure. I had closed myself up because of the surroundings. People around keep changing, I couldn't breathe because of this. This year might be very hard to me. My time is lesser now, the day of decision is getting closer, everything is getting closer now. I'm out of time, out of spirit. I don't want another "it just past" for this final year. I want changes. Will it be any?

爆炸!

2009-05-12T17:52:00.007+08:00

实习的第二天，实在是显到爆炸!!一直坐着无所事事，没有人理我，每个人差不多把我当透明般，真是他妈的！无聊又显到爆炸！！实在是够浪费时间，一整天里都在玩UNO，够力吧？真是觉得自己可悲得很。一直在看时钟，希望可以快点到放工的时间。真的很恨那老板，很恨公司里的一些人，简直把我当透明。我一直都不相信种族歧视，不过那班马来人和土族的，真是又够力的！真是希望supervisor可以尽快回来，起码他会看得到我。死人老板，受我做实习生，却不理我也不给allowance！希望这两个月可以赶快过啊!

LCCT

2009-05-09T13:07:00.007+08:00

Here it is, I spent half of a day in LCC Terminal. Sleepy, as I woke up at 4.30am this morning and follow my friend's ride to the terminal, yes, which was free XD. But my ETA is 2.10pm. Holy! That was sure suffering enough. When you are all by yourself in airport, you have the responsibility to take care of all your belongings, never let them get far with you, never leave them with strangers. I brought a big luggage, a handcarry and one backpack and I have to jaga them everywhere I went, even while lining up at McD, even when pooping in toilet, twice, even when curi-curi took a nap, which was unsuccessful, my alertness is over strong that I could't fall asleep even if I hell sleepy.

I continued writing my dark song, looking everywhere to get idea of how to write it, it was halfly done, stuck at the chorus and bridge part! >< and I saw many leng cai XD and I found out that everytime I went to the airport, I always saw alotss of guitarists, carrying their baby around, which was quite cool, they got so many styles, different ones, some stylish, some like nerd XD, some just those malay guitarist like you can see in the TV, some will make me think of artist. I wonder if they are profesional guitarists or what haha!

Going to board now, finally I can shut my eyes in my flight, which is not enjoyable! ><

Time just pass

2009-05-06T22:30:00.007+08:00

I got more than a week to spend before going back to KK for LI. Apparently my time just passed like water without leaving any stain.

Been composing and writing songs, alot of them are uncompleted, but still manage to make 2 or 3 completed.

Been watching moviessss, independent ones which I like always, romance ones, action ones, mystery ones and some japanese drama.

Been learning new songs, and realised I didn't improved much in my skills, I'm still far behind.

Been eating then sitting alot, eating then sleep alot, in which making me fatter, I should have a healthy lifestyle.

Been packing for a long while, as my packing speed was low, I spent 2 days to packing my stuffs out of my room.

I'm going to miss the room, tomorrow I'll leaving this room, ending my 2nd year 2nd semester, starting my 2nd year 3rd semester (industrail training)

Yet, still need some formal outfit for internship.
Still missing home, missing my family and our pet. Another Mother's Day which I'm not around with mum.

Not much special during these few days, going to spend some time with some dear friends in these two days before going back KK.

Being a kid no more

2009-04-29T22:17:00.008+08:00

I am a kid no more, being 23 years old, an adult. Shouldn't act like a immature one just because still a student. My time management, financial management, socialization, future, all are on my hand to choose. Looking at myself and the people around me, I starting to few empty in me, I couldn't find a thing in me, which is promising. Been 2 years, and what have I achieved and lost, was my responsible to myself and my loved ones. It's time for me start the decision making.

To be or not to be. Being a useless person
To stay or not to stay. Staying at the place where I'm standing.
To run or not to run. Running as far as I could.
To do or not to do. Doing things I'm supposed to do.
To keep or not to keep. Keeping my dreams.

Why?

2009-04-26T17:55:00.004+08:00

Why the emptiness in my heart won't fade away? Because you are still alone.
Why am I alone? Because you don't have anybody.

Looking up the sky, I have an urge to cry. I'm missing the person who I never knew.
When will he appear? I've been waiting for years. Yet I still believe I got my destiny and fate, that I will meet the person in the future.

Please come quickly.

听不到。看不见是也

2009-04-19T03:19:00.006+08:00

身边的人，来来去去的。看着一对对的情侣在身边打转，心中并不好受。
孤独，虽然一直都陪伴着我。几时，我也会有那个他呢？
一个曾经带有好感的朋友好像也快要成事了，心里很不是滋味的。
又如何叻？也不能怎样，只好装作听不到，看不见。

Unstoppable

2009-04-17T15:32:00.008+08:00

How I wish I could see him right now. I really do miss him alot, every single minute, even in dream somehow, the unstoppable one. I made a music in the dream, and I did recorded it down with my phone, but when I woke up, I realized it was in the dream after all, I dreamt I recorded it down. How silly I am. He's the one who inspired me, and I never forget that. The way I miss him, I'm not sure what kind of feeling is that, towards a friend or what. Maybe one day the feeling will stop like they used to be. Well, writing music， I want do continue to do this, not giving up. =)

The Perfect Imperfections

2009-04-16T12:41:00.004+08:00

Really touched! When you lost your beloved ones, you'll miss their beautiful imperfections. Like smelly armpits, snoring, stinks feet or breathes..etc. How are you gonna miss them when they are gone. Though is annoying. =)

An Hour

2009-04-16T00:50:00.008+08:00

Packed my bag, with a wallet, an umbrella , a pepper spray and a pack of tissue papers. Around 7.30pm I walked out alone from my dormitory, went to the nearest bus stop. No one was around except 2 girls, one malay and one familiar looking chinese girl. I choose a seat which was not near to them, took out my handphone and headset, inserted the earphones in my ears. Listening to my music in the phone, I wrote down the things I wanted to buy later: instand mee, fruits, biscuits, meats, drinks(obviously all were food, as I was going to restock my food in the room).

There was no reason for me to go out alone at this time, dark obviously, and dangerous for a girl. But without nay thoughts, I just wanted to do this. Quick and free. I wanted to do this without going with friends. Wanted to try being alone, doing stuff at night. Waiting and waiting, almost half an hour, took out my pen and memo pad, trying to write something down. With one of my favourite song playing into my ears, I started to write about how much I missed him, that I would jumped into him if he appeared in front of me right now. Silly. If he really did appeared out of no where, for sure I'm shocked and happy. But, instead of jumping into his arms, I could predicted that what I would do, which is sitting there smiling warily to him, saying "Wow! Hey how are you? Why are you doing here?" Damn! And that's me, the coward. Although I missed him, I couldn't do that, I'm too coward to do that.

Almost 8.30pm, the girl beside me was waiting impatiently. Secretly I hoped she won't give up waiting, so I can have her as company. A few buses passed by, all were the wrong buses. I told myself that I will wait until 8.30pm, if the bus still hasn't come I will walked back to the dormitory, after buying some food at the groceries. We waited there again, and a bus came. Two of them went up to the bus, leaving me behind. Cool~ I'm the one who being adandoned again. My watch turn exactly 8.30pm sharp, I stood up and leave the bus stop.

After waited for one hour, I finally gave up wating, gave up on this little adventure. Gave up on myself. Am I doing this right?

It's not your business!

2009-04-15T18:18:00.011+08:00

6pm in the evening, damn hot weather! Don't have any food with me in the room, and yes I'm damn alone. Miserably eating my roommate's snacks! Miserably having bread and eggs and cereal every meal! Miserably laughing with myself while watching movies and facebooking alone. Miserably crying alone all by myself because of the loneliness. I hate this kind of situation! I'm so alone, so pathetic, so miserable, all by myself. Wanted to study, but not able to settle my mindset down to do what I'm supposed to do. Keep on thinking of some unrealistic things which don't help me out at all. I need someone to talk with, I need someone who can do things with me, talk with me, play with me, be with me. I'm freaking miserable. When am I going to break the walls around me. This is really pathetic, and does blogging help me out? ROTFLMAO!